Here lately, God has been walking with me through a fight of bitterness and depression. I feel it coming on and then I have to reach out to Him. I need Him to reach down for me when I'm sliding down this slippery slope of depression and I have needed His Hands to lift me so much over the last few weeks.
I've been fighting health issues and it seems to be an ongoing thing. Heart disease and ovarian cysts. I continue to have dizziness from my heart condition and on top of that, I have continued this battle with ovarian cysts for a while now. I have had two major surgeries since I was in my early 20s from ruptured cysts and in the last few years have had dealings with ruptured small ones. What scares me the most when it comes to these issues are not the ruptures (yes scary but not my biggest concern) but the problems these issues might cause me when I'm ready to become a mommy.
Being a mommy is the BIGGEST desire of my heart (next to being a wife) and the thought of not being able to have my own child has overwhelmed me at times. Yes, I believe in adoption and I would love to adopt even if my future hubby and I are able to conceive our own children. I want more than anything to experience being pregnant. I know that might sound weird but I want that. I want to go through the pains and the sickness and the little belly popping. I have always thought pregnancy was such a beautiful thing and I hope and pray I will be able to experience the full effects of having a child.
Over the last few days, I have really been praying for God to work in my heart. I know I can trust Him and that no matter what happens, He has HIS reasons and HIS ways no matter what! I trust Him. I've been physically down today and this morning, I was so irritated with the thought of having to stay home (once again) but this day has allowed me to really lean on Him in prayer and to really breathe in His Word and to feel His love and grace just overcome my heart and soul.
He is with me no matter what health issues I have going on and I trust Him. He knows the desires of my heart because HE is the one that placed them in my heart and knowing that brings me SO much peace!!!!!
"The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made." Psalm 145:13
The one thing I love about God's love for us is that He adores bringing us to a new season. He enjoys watching us transition in our lives and more than anything He celebrates our breakthroughs with us. Over the last few months, it seems that I have jumped from season to season and breakthrough to breakthrough and I am SO thankful for that. Ever since my cousin passed away in April, life has been full of changes and growth. In my pain He has been able to bring me so much growth and change and new beginnings! I'm so thankful and so blessed to serve Him!!
"I trust in Your unfailing love. I will rejoice because You have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He has been so good to me." Psalm 13:5-6